I…..

<3 andrew.

a lot.

*giggle

Been a long while!!! – A Monser of a blog entry!

I havn’t blogged in a month! wow.

i dunno if a lot has happened of not much… its.. weird.. sitting at home while nearly everyone i know goes back into their 9-5 (ish) worlds. Dad is back at work, but he hopes for only a week. i hope so to… i think he is still un settled.. and i honestly hope he can get time for a proper holiday… the lazing around doing not much kind.

I had a wonderful holiday. The three of us drove up to sydney, a rather quick trip… Andrew drove most of it. The plan was for the three of us to share a servced aparment in wollongong, but Opa had recently been broken into again, so dad agreed to stay the week there. The aparment was very swish. The hotel had only been completed in march/april earlier in the year, so they were sparkling! it was a two bedroom place, with two huge bathrooms and a big open kitchen / lounge area. It also had this really nice balcony. we could see the ocean, and also the steelworks. I very much enjoyed standing outside in the cool evenings just looking around at the place i had grown up in.

We cooked for ourselves most nights… actually all the nights bar three i think… i think andrew might of preferrd going out more, but oh well.

Christmas was nice… a sorta two day affair.. lunch with bernie at opa’s on christmas day, then the stack family and the cherrybrook people on boxing day. It was nice to see the family again.. its been a year since i last saw them, as i didnt visit anyone on my flying trip to syd to go visit NIDA.

I had a bad day where i’d gotten a call of an offer for some gigpower work and mentaly freaked out (thats what stting in a car for hours with nothing else to think about will do). i got into this big emotional spiral about maybe not wanting to do what i do anymore.

but i dunno, i think it was a think where i just went from “meh, im feelign a bit lazy and dont want to work that shift” to “not getting excited about work must mean i dont want to do any of it anymore..” i dunno how i made THAT jump, but i did. and i didn’t eat lunch. or dinner. or breakfast or lunch the next day. and forced myself to eat dinner. mmm :s

Dad got me a leatherman.. yay! i finally feel like im starting to become what i want to me. That and me having inspiration for my second tat… some lighting symbols on my right wrist opposite my tank. mmm

have to save some money first. I seem to be bleedng money

A friend is buying my a ROM cart for my DS… its basically so i can play everysingle game and stuff. its pretty exciting it was $65 though and add another $20 for a microSD card.. and it’s nearly at the point where i might have to ask for some money from dad. I have like $50 left though, and i should get paid on thursday, with more work on monday.

Respawn is in a week, nearly… and im worried i guess.  I always seem to get sick.. or something. Im hopign that these effects will be lessened by my stress (im only taking my laptop… nothing extra to have to worry about!). and im going to make sure i get sleep. and eat properly.

the sleep thing is annoying i guess. becuase theres the cashbox.. someone always has to be awake and attentive..  which means that if im the only one awake and i feel like crap and want to sleep.. i cant really. It doesnt help that there seems to be an unspoken list of who it can be, who it can’t etc. Ah well. i just have to get a good sleep on friday night and keep my fluids up etc bring it on!

It’s also a tad worrying becuase this is gunna be our biggest. we’ve still got the same odl 350 seats.. but we’re sitting at 445 regos… thats a waiting list of 95. I dislike having to deal with stupid people who dont rego or confirm and then expect me to be able to give them a seat. if you dont even rego… how can you EXPECT a seat?! dont come and get all grumpy when i tell you i cant give you a seat and you’ll have to leave.. becuase thats you’re own fault! sorry! bad luck bucket head!

I’m kinda looking forward to it though as usual

in a little under 3 weeks me and andrew will of been going out for 5 months. wow… thats nearly half a year.. it definately doesnt feel like it! we get on great… havnt yelled at each other yet or anything, haha he only has some small annoyances but i get over them <3

And its now half past three.. its felt great to get everything out there again.. i forgot how.. much of a realease it can be to blog… almost like talking to yourself? (becuase i know no one reads this, nearly no one anyways, haah!)

and now to the lyrics of one of my all time favorite songs.

Tex Perkins – I know You know I know

Come closer my darling
Don’t tease me not tonight
I’m not in the mood
For fucking around

You see I know everything
Don’t try deceiving
It’s all over your face

So come on now
So tell me
And don’t say your leaving
Your stuck in this place

I know y’know I know
Y’know I know Y’know
I know let’s start killing ourselves

With your feet in the wrong shoe
No I never trusted you
As far as I could
Drop you from the bridge

And it seems now
I’ve bitten off
More than your appendage

So I have no more use for
The heart that you kept
Locked in the fridge

I know y’know I know
Y’know I know Y’know
I know we’re only fooling ourselves

So come on now
So tell me how
You know the truth
And how it can bend

So come closer my darling
Don’t tease me not tonight
Look me in the eye
And say it again

So just say what your thinking
I’m not in the mood
I’m too tied to pretend

I know y’know I know
Y’know I know Y’know
I know we’re only kidding ourselves

No real meaning behind my posting it… i jsut love it as a song…

adios all, thanks for the love.

a blog in time.

I… havn felt as…. awful as i do right now in a long time.

it’s nearly 4:30 in the morning; dad will be u within the hour to leave for work. And im sitting in bed. thinking. crying. The last pages of a book set me thinking.

Birthdays. Christmas.

not only are they going to be more challenging this year than ever before; i’ve come to really contemplate my… thoughts behind it all.

for some reason; i like giving people things. i seem to get a lot of joy watching someone unwrap something and beam with happiness…. truley, honestly enjoying whatever i chose. I’m not someone who makes snap decisions, i’ll poinder and think, undecided for a long time for someones present. And yet… sometimes… it all feels so worthless.

Is it wrong? selfish? to… want that same feeling? to unwrap something that someones given you and feel…. amazing? to know that it wasn’t a last minute idea; a simple something grabbed off the shelf? It’s all i ever seem to feel. maybe i have too high expectations? for people to ignore the “list” i am told i must make… and to think.. and.. consider.

its not money; definately not… but thought. i used to put a WHOLE lot of effort into friends presents. i used to hand make the box… the wrapping.. the card. I’d fill it with all osrts f little neat things that i knew were selected specifically becuase i knew the intended person would love it. I’d fill any empy space with tiny oragami stars….

I stopped doing that; when i realised that no one cared.

I love my family, and andrew; really, i do. but on that day, i couldnt help but feel a pang of dissapointment that everything was just off the list.

Maybe i should ignore my mental scheduling of days of shopping and making, and just go out for an hour and have it over and done with. would people notice the difference?

maybe i should stop expecting things that are un-realistic. fantasies in my own head.

bleh.

bleh indeed!

it’s….. nearly 2am. friday. tomorrow is my birthday!  But… i dunno…. maybe 2am is not the time to feel like being in a celebratory mood.

left my phone either at gigi’s or in olivias car. i hope.

sigh.

Back.

Yea, back on wordpress hosting. I’m cleaning up my hosting so i can feel less guilty about having so much up there till i buy some off Daemo.

Wasn’t going to ventblog, but i prolly will…. just feel lonely, depressed a lot. I dunno why…. its like its me feeling down then i put an excuse to it, rather than having something make me feel that way.

i guess its just the sitting around all the time, i dunno.

sigh.

lets hope life picks up.

Nothing Else Matters

I am listening to Apololyptica’s version of this song, and its beautiful.

So beautiful and moving that in an emotional high state it makes me cry, even withing out really knowing the metallica version.

i havnt cried for a while. daemo’s probably going to shake his head at what im crying over – i know it shouldnt affect me, but it does.

I dunno what happened to the whole tank persona… even being asked at work what the tank tat means i dont ahve the guts to tell people that its ment to keep me strong. A tank made of wet tissue paper, it seems. It only takes one small remark from zardoz to send me into a fury.

Sigh. i dunno. sometimes it just happens. telling someone how i felt, directly, helped heaps (<3 lemming)

probably just being able to say “i feel like….” made the high rage go away.

im sorry everyone… i know i effect a lot of people when i get like this, i’ll sort it out, i promise.

xox

Everywhere

blatantly stolen! <3

Moustache feat. Melinda Jackson – Everywhere

i wanna be with you everywhere,
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
i wanna be with you everywhere
i wanna be with you everywhere

Can ya hear me calling
Out your name
You know that I’ve fallen and i dunno what to say
I speak a little louder
Or even shout
You know that I’m proud
And I can’t get the words out

Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
I wanna be with you everywhere
I wanna be with you everywhere

Somethings happening
Happening to me
My friends say I’m acting peculiarly

Come along baby
We better make a start
You better make it soon
Before you break my heart

Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
I wanna be with you everywhere
I wanna be with you everywhere

Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere
Oh i… i wanna be with you everywhere

CV!

i has one! www.incursii.com/cv.html

wooooo

ps; someone hire me!

hurgerbleargurgh!

!

birthday?!

I’ve just realised it is my birthday in a month! crazy.

the year has gone so fast i nearly forgot! D: